i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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