Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
vagina is talking i cant
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
