I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
