We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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