I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
