every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
