I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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