can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
