Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
