He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
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