I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
