I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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