I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
