I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
