i just sent this text using only my big toe
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
