I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
