explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
