Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
