I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
