Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
