genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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