the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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