why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
