wakey wakey hands off snakey
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
