What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
