I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
