I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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