remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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