my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
