Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
