Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
