So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
