Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
