I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
