i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
