I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
