So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
