I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
