I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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