I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
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