I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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