I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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