He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
