and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
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