Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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