I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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