There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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