Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
