My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
