I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
