Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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